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(The Couple in this pic CLEARLY don’t have a baby.  They are waaaaay too alert and are both wearing horizontal stripes.)

My Ten Tips for Putting the Sexy Back into your Relationship Post-Babe

1. Schedule sex way in advance.  I’m not talking about next Saturday, like WAAAAAAY in advance.  Try six weeks from now or, better yet, sometime next year.  Then, have 19 alternative days / times in case something else comes up, like work or your daughter’s diarrhea.

2. Get good at sprinting – like Usain Bolt good.  Practice running drills from the living room to the bedroom and back like you’re Marion Jones (minus the performance enhancing drugs.)  You’re gonna need to be fast to fit in a bone-bone session with the crying machine you created.

3. Speaking of fast, you and your partner must orgasm faster now that the baby is here – you have less time!  Become more present or, even better, get Enlightened so this is possible.  It’s honestly best just to BECOME the next Dalai Lama and move to Tibet.

4. Always be dressed sexy at all times.  Put a heart on the sweatpants that have your baby’s dried barf on them.  That’s pretty sexy, right?  Change your shirt when you lactate all over it.  Ooh la la!  Or use some spackle under your eyes to cover your sleep deprivation and your “lovah” will be all over you. 

5. Only allow 20 farts in front of your partner per day if you still want to be sexually attractive to them.  I know you want to fart all the time after giving birth, but limit it to 20, loud, earth shattering booms.

6. Learn how to take off your clothes faster.  You’ll most likely be doing it during a nap because you’re too dayum tired at night, so get good at shedding unnecessary layers.  I suggest breakaway pants.

7.  Wine is your friend.  It makes both of you look more attractive to each other.  People talk about beer goggles but see number 5.  Also, we are already bloated all the damn time.  Go ‘head and splurge on some Two Buck Chuck at the Trader Joe’s, honey.  You and your lovah deserve it.

8. Cuddling counts as sex, right?  Try to convince yourself of this if it’s been waaaaaay too long and you’ve found yourself humping your sofa like a small dog.  If it helps, tell yourself that cuddling is just as good…. which, of course, it ISN’T.

9. Don’t mention “Sex” and the contents of your baby’s dirty diaper in the same sentence.  Just don’t.

10. Drop your baby on a neighbor’s door like that lady from Three Men and a Baby and just have a massive sex session while she’s gone.  Sure, they’ll call Child Protective Services on your ass, but you’ll still have had sex and you’ll be a saner, happier person.