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blueberries

My job is weird.  I don’t have a regular career – I’m an actor and writer living in Los Angeles.  This means, when it’s good, my schedule is insane (I had to go to Uruguay for five days a couple of weeks ago and only found out the day before.)  When it’s bad, I’m… well, I’m an unemployed poor person.  Seriously, I sometimes go months without any paid work and make my poor husband eat weird sale items from the grocery store.  Word of advice?  Don’t buy the clearance meat – just don’t.  I still have P.T.S.D. from some nasty pork I got on sale.

I love my job (when I’m actually working), but something has fundamentally changed since having my daughter.  I can no longer race back to a second call back in some far flung area of LA at the drop of a dime.  I can’t leave for a month for a commercial shoot (seriously, this was a thing that might’ve happened… a MONTH for a thirty second commercial?!)  I can no longer work out so I have a droopy butt (that’s not true!  I could but I hate gyms and totally use my daughter as an excuse.)

And while things have changed, I’m happy they have.  I don’t feel as obsessed with my work.  That unhealthy obsession has shifted to my daughter.  Like, for instance, right now I’m obsessed with her “blueberry poops.”  Anyone who has a kid who eats way too many blueberries knows what I’m talking about.  How come it looks like she’s chewing her blueberries but they come out whole?  And why do I examine her feces like an insane person?

So while I can’t focus as much on my career, I’m grateful for it.  The part that has been difficult for me, however, is balancing.  I’m TERRIBLE at the balancing act.  Some women thrive with a million “to do’s” – I flail and flop and end up getting a migraine.  So what I’m trying to do is focus on what I need to do today and stop worrying about perfection.  This is hard for me.  Anyone who has ever met me would agree – I’m not exactly the most laid back, easy-going yacht rock type.  I’m more the neurotic mess who beats herself up for forgetting to pack her daughter’s favorite toy in her diaper bag for the Thanksgiving airplane flight oh my god what kind of a monster-mother am I?!

I have to focus on only one day at a time with my weird, freelance job or I end up getting a migraine and barfing.  So, today, I wrote out a manageable list which included such things as, “Walk dog so he doesn’t pee under Moira’s bed” and “Shower.”  It may sound simple and it may sound stupid, but honestly, that’s all I can manage some days, because the biggest “To Do” that I want to actually do is raise my daughter to be a kind, functioning person and, to do that, sometimes the laundry ain’t getting done.  Also, ALWAYS I’m never going to work out… because, as aforementioned, I use my daughter as an excuse to not exercise.

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