Last weekend, my husband and I went on a mini-vacation for our wedding anniversary… with our toddler.  I know what you’re thinking, “That’s a FANTASTIC idea for a romantic getaway!  Bringing your tiny 20 month-old along with you to a hotel sounds like a recipe for romance!”

Au contraire.  While you may think our weekend was just 48 hours of champagne and back rubs (and some X-Rated stuff), it wasn’t.  Our weekend was fun, it was an adventure, and it was massively tiring – but it wasn’t “Rest and Relaxation.”

On Friday, we headed up to Idyllwild, California – a lovely place we hadn’t previously visited.  It was great!  It was woodsy and outdoorsy – full of hippies and some “methed-out” folks.  They even had a Nature Center that had easy hikes my lazy butt could handle.  Here’s the requisite “Put Your Head on a Woodland Creature” shot from that part of the trip:

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From there we headed to Palm Springs which was, well, HOT.  Palm Springs tricks you into visiting it during the summer because really posh hotels have incredibly cheap rates and so you think, “I can handle this heat because it’s dry heat.  Dry heat is the kind of heat I can handle, right?”  WRONG.  Palm Springs is just hot, like stupid hot.  I know what else you’re thinking, “You went to a resort, didn’t you just hang out in the pool?”  Yeah, I did… but only after sunset because I have a skin tone called “I’m Gonna Get Skin Cancer Before 40!”  So… we did go in the pool at 7 P.M. and it was delightful.  My daughter was splashing and having fun.  We even gave her a pool-side cocktail (orange juice watered down with well… water) while we had a few real cocktails.

Then came dinner or, as I like to call it, “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”  We were stupid and took our hungry, tired, diaper-rashed daughter to a fancy restaurant with a mostly childless clientele.  DUMB!  She was really cool until my expensive glass of wine arrived at which point she had her first major temper tantrum ever.  I’m not saying this was her first temper tantrum in public; it was her first tantrum period.  And it was epic.  I immediately picked her up and took her outside of the restaurant and tried to soothe her.  She wriggled; she fought me; she tried to claw my eye balls out.  I told her I loved her and tried to calm her down.

No dice.  She was pissed off.

We ended up asking for our meal to go (and I ended up foregoing that expensive glass of vino) and we walked back to our resort in the godforsaken Palm Springs heat.

The minute we got back to the hotel, my daughter was all smiles and giggles because… of course!  No matter – we had good food to eat and she was tired.  We put her to bed, ate our meals, and crashed.

And then it happened.  My daughter could not sleep. Nay! She WOULD not sleep in her crib.  She was nearly as tall as the hotel crib and was uncomfortable so we brought her into bed with us.  Romantic, right?  I do have to say, I did get a little action though.  Not to sound crass but I got pounded in the vagina throughout the night.  “Gross!” you’re definitely thinking.  Yeah, it was pretty gross that my child kept KICKING me squarely in my baby-maker.  I kept on turning and, I swear to you, she kept on punching me directly in my vag.  It’s like she’s secretly a soccer phenom but her sport involves lady parts and not balls.

At any rate, by the next day we were exhausted.  We woke up at 6 a.m. because that is when my daughter wanted to wake up.  I figured I got approximately 70 minutes of actual sleep the night before – perfect!  We walked outside and, surprisingly, it was lovely.  Our daughter’s desire to “not sleep” meant that we were outside before it was terribly hot.  We went on a lovely long walk and ate at a deli and then this happened for over four hours:

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We napped like motherfucking champions.  At around 3 in the afternoon we finally rallied and went to the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway.  Have I mentioned yet that Palm Springs is hot – like so hot you think you’re stuck inside the devil’s buttcrack hot?!  Well, it is but this tramway takes you up to San Jacinto State Park which is in the mountains and is roughly 30 degrees cooler than the desert below.  I cannot recommend the tramway enough – it’s totally worth it.  The views were spectacular, the hiking was fun, and it was literally cool(er) than Palm Springs. 

From the tramway, we went to an Indian restaurant in a stripmall because we had learned our lesson about fancy restaurants the night before.  Did Moira have another meltdown?  Of course not – because it wasn’t posh and wouldn’t have been sufficiently embarrassing.  She behaved like a little angel.  Then, because she was good and we wanted something sweet, we went for ice cream.  We were in heaven; she was in heaven (she’s related to me so she loves ice cream.)

The day was lovely, but after the sunset comes night and, along with night, came the vaginal pummeling once more. Again, this was not some kind of “S&M” sexy pummeling – it was more violent and surprisingly strong.  It was like my daughter has a homing device to my vagina.  She is subconsciously like, “This is from whence I came.  This is where I should punch my mother.”

Needless to say, Sunday came and we got the hell outta Dodge.  We returned to Los Angeles by way of the outlet malls (to get Moira some shoes and because I’m a Basic Bitch and needed my J.Crew.)  Then we came back to our little house and slept.  And slept some more.  And then also slept on top of that sleeping.

I guess my point is that vacation with your kid(s) is fun and an adventure.  I would have loved it if just my husband and I went away… but then I would have missed seeing things through my daughter’s hilarious eyes.  Sure, she can have tantrums.  Yes, she’s an unpredictable short drunk person who is at one moment sweet and the next moment angry-as-hell; but, I loved going on the trip with her.

So… I don’t regret that this is how we spent our anniversary.  Was it relaxing?  No way – but that’s kind of like parenthood.  It’s tiring and sometimes hard but then it’s the best thing I’ve ever experienced.  And, as for the romance, my husband and I are going on a date night without our daughter this weekend because, while kids are fun, having sex is also very, very fun.

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