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If you’re like me, you’re really great at procrastinating.  Have to pay that water bill?  Read an article on Gawker.  Need to finish that rewrite?  Open a new tab and read some New York Magazine.  Anything that has to do with cleaning?  Go back to Gawker because maybe, just maybe, this article won’t outrage you quite as much.

Point is – I am fantastic at procrastinating.  But, if you feel like you’re in a “Procrastination Slump” and you’re actually accomplishing things and feeling good about yourself (you weirdo), here is a list of things you can do to waste time like a normal person:

1.  Go to Facebook and start lightly cyber-stalking someone you don’t know.  This accomplishes two things: 1) it’s not that fun because, probably, this person is kind of boring and 2) it can waste an inordinate amount of time.  Yay!

2.  Try on old jeans from before you were pregnant.  Even if you’ve lost all the weight, chances are they fit you weirdly now that you’ve had your tiny munchkin.  The benefit of trying on old jeans?  You’ll feel awful about yourself and this self-pity will take loads of time.

3.  Google “gun debate” and then read the comment sections on articles.  If you’re on either side of this debate, these comments will definitely rile you up and accomplish absolutely nothing.  Think of it as a win-win!

4. Read anything about a celebrity ever.  It’s a total waste of time, it doesn’t do anything, and it keeps you from reading more important things… so enjoy!  I like to do this one when I have anything important to do.

5.  Read a fitness magazine.  This is a great one if: 1) you’re feeling good about yourself and 2) you no longer want to feel good about yourself.  These magazines recycle about ten different stories and they’re always the same: “You can still eat the foods you love and lose the weight.”  These magazines are a bunch of nonsense with a ton of advertisements so they’re great!  You’ll read it and learn nothing.  Fantastic!

6.  If you’re like me and have videos of work you’ve done up on Youtube, there will be comment sections.  These comment boards will say things like, “I hate YOU!” and “You have horse teeth and bad posture.”  Reading these comments doesn’t take that much time so it shouldn’t be that great for procrastination but… the amount of anxiety and self-hatred you’ll feel afterwards will more than make up for it.  Go ahead and read mean comments about yourself.  You’ll totally regret it… which is the point.

7.  Complain to your family and friends.  This is one of my favorite procrastination techniques.  Rather than actually making positive steps toward life goals, I like to complain about how things aren’t going my way.  This is a fantastic form of wasting time because it not only doesn’t do shit, it also drives your loved ones away.  Yippee!

8. Masturbate.  Wait… this isn’t really a waste of time unless you’re doing it too much in which case… c’mon.  You’re an adult.

9. Watch puppy videos.  Again… actually, this is good for you.  Go ahead, just don’t go crazy.  I mean, like 7 per hour max, okay?

10.  Play a goddamn video game on your goddamn phone.  This is seriously the worst and stop it.  Just stop it!  You’re not crushing candy; you’re crushing your dreams and just stop it.  The graphics aren’t even that great and the game is definitely not that fun.  Stop. It.

That’s it!  Have fun wasting time!

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