This is my husband and me from 3 years ago, before we had our kid.

This is my husband and me from 3 years ago, before we had our kid.

Halloween is really annoying in Los Angeles because everybody here is gorgeous, looks HAWT in sexy costumes, and probably plays make believe for a living.  It’s just the worst.  As you can see from the picture above, I was TERRIBLE at Halloween and always covered myself in something stupid to rebel against the “have to be sexy” thing.

I hated Halloween before I had my daughter, but afterwards, Halloween has become fun again.  It’s not about looking hot as “Slutty Female Harry Potter,” it’s about dressing your child in a cute costume.  It’s not about worrying if you look fat in that “Slutty Angela Merkel” costume that all the kids will be wearing, it’s about getting as fat as you possibly can by stuffing your face with your kid’s Snickers because too much sugar is a bad thing for them… not you… you’re PERFECT when you eat too much.  It’s not about worrying if a zillion other people have your dumb, timely pun-based costume (you are NOT the only person going as the Slutty Debt Ceiling, I promise), but you worry that too many kids will knock over your child running for that bowl of candy that lazy neighbor left outside of their house.

The point is, Halloween as a parent is liberating and fun once again; however, sometimes you do have to dress up (UGH… I swear my parents NEVER had to dress up for Halloween but I guess our generation does) so I wrote a list of potential costumes:

  1. ZOMBIE MOMMY:  This one is really scary, yet completely easy to accomplish.  Just don’t wear any make-up and let your natural sleep deprivation work in your favor.  Seriously, if you saw me in my natural state you’d be frightened and think that The Walking Dead was fer realz.
  2. GLAM MOMMY: Don’t wear any make-up except a “Statement Lip.”  That’s right, if you wear a sharp, crimson lipstick or a fun fuchsia, people will think you’re as fashion forward as a goddamn French woman… because you cared just a little bit more than you normally do.
  3. SPORTY MOMMY: You pretend it’s 1995 and the amazing Spice Girls are in their heyday.  You wear a pair of sweatpants and pull your hair into a tight, greasy-as-hell ponytail and you’re ready to rock… and if anybody says you’re “Just wearing sweatpants like you normally do,” you can aggressively sing, “Wannabe” and then walk away.
  4. BLOATED MOMMY: This one embraces Halloween candy you’ll steal from your child.  Just eat like 12 mini Twix while donning your tightest skinny jeans.  Within minutes, this costume creates itself.  M-EEEOOOWWW… you’re a sex-pot.
  5. TIME TRAVEL MOMMY:  Wear the same clothes you wore yesterday and then, BOOM!  You’re in a sci-fi adventure where space and time bend to your laziness.  I can’t tell you how many times I just wear the same thing like three days in a row so this one really excites me.

That’s it… I hope you have an amazing Halloween.  And, if you actually do one of these costume ideas, PLEASE send me a pic!

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