There’s a lot of conflicting advice when it comes to taking off holiday weight, but I have sifted through all of it and cultivated the ultimate “New Year, New You” weight loss tips:
1. Starve Yourself. Duh.
2. At the same time you’re eating roughly the same amount of calories as a svelte hamster, make sure you DON’T starve yourself. You need to keep your metabolism going so eat constantly. I’m not talking like eating “every two hours” – you need to shove a constant stream of snacks down your mouth-hole or you will get fat.
3. If this doesn’t work, eat like a French person. And by this, I mean of course you need to move to France, kill a French person, and use their skin as your own (like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.) You’ll be so preoccupied with the horrible act you committed and the chunks of French-person-skin falling off your face, that you will have no time to eat.
4. Get a personal trainer. They’ll cost roughly half of your income so you won’t have any money left to eat (See Tip #1 – Starve Yourself.)
5. Do yoga. My understanding of yoga is that you actually become Yoda and he’s so old and so lonely out in Dagobah that he has no time to farm and, therefore, he has to eat space-rocks and those have like zero calories. Yeah, he wastes away to nothing but he looks so frickin’ HAWT doing it.
6. Do the Mediterranean Diet. This requires moving to the Mediterranean, becoming a Mermaid (or Merman) and swimming all day in the Mediterranean sea. The only problem with this is that King Poseidon lives there (he moved from the Caspian sea last Easter) with his bitch-daughter Ariel who will probably steal all your thunder with her annoying singing. The Mediterranean Diet is a hard one to accomplish so probably just starve yourself.
7. Try the Paleo Diet. This means you take out half of your brain in a painful surgery that leaves you as dumb as a caveman. Then, after you’re an idiot, you eat meat and nuts to the point at which you want to kill yourself. After you’ve committed suicide, your body will slowly decompose and, after you’re only literally skin and bones, you will be so damn skinny even Bethenny Frankel will be all jelly of you.
8. Become a heroin addict. This was super cool in the 90’s (think Kate Moss heroin-chic.) Why not bring it back now that 90’s fashion is cool again?! Hello! This is essentially the “Doc Marten” of diets so just go to a bad part of town, lay down some cold hard cash, and shoot up. You’ll look ridiculously emaciated (read SEXY) within weeks.
9. Try a Juice Cleanse. Lots of people love juice cleanses because they swear by the “detoxifying” effects. Fuck that shit. Do a juice cleanse because it will make you hangry as hell because you’ll wanna stuff a burger down your pie hole. When you’re extremely hungry, you become a bitch (men included.) When you become a bitch nobody wants to hang with your mean-ass so you end up feeling lonely and depressed. Weight loss is a KNOWN bi-product of depression so… there you go! Also, you’ll use that expensive juicer you have in your pantry that you’ve never used and re-purposing is like so 2015. If you can’t find it, it’s right by that bread maker you received from your sister back in some Christmas you were too drunk to remember.
10. Literally cut off half of your body. Yeah, you’ll still look chubby in photos, but when you go to your dreaded yearly physical, your B.M.I. will be skinny thanks to half of your body being absent. You won’t be able to exercise in this scenario, but who likes exercise anyway?! Think of it as a win-win situation (while you are lying motionless in bed, unable to even accomplish the easiest tasks like turning over.)
HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!!!!
I hope you all have beautiful, starvation-filled years! Now, I’m going to make myself some toast with extra butter because I’m on a diet called, “I Could Give Two Shits Diet.” Bye!