Some women like their beautiful, six-pack abs. These women like to go to places like “Coachella” or “Forever 21” – places that represent my idea of hell on earth. Other women love their long legs. They rock a short skirt and some kick-ass high heels and flaunt it – I wear clogs and tennis shoes like a goddamn middle aged Hobbit. And still others like to show off their shapely butts – these are the fabulous ladies of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s dreams and Amy Schumer’s recent “Milk milk Lemonade video.”
(By the way, if you haven’t seen this video – SEE IT!:
I am not these women. My abs are okay. I’ll go to a beach in a bikini because I don’t really care and I like to swim. My legs are fine and strong but they’re short so even if I wear Daisy Dukes, I look like a mom in a “nice, modest inseam” short – it’s hard to make my Lilliputian legs look revealing. My butt is okay – but I would definitely never make the cut of a rap video… I probably wouldn’t even make the cut of a “mom butt video.” My butt’s fine – but not something to write home about.
But my C-Section scar? Gurrrrrl! I don’t mean to brag but I received a compliment about my scar this morning. You’re like, “What?! You’re bragging. Stop boasting, you arrogant bitch!” But like Shakira’s hips, my C-section scar cannot lie – it’s GORGEOUS.
I was visiting my self-congratulatory gynecologist this morning and she was praising her own work on my C-Section. “Your scar is amazing.” Never one to NOT take a compliment, I fished for more.
“You’re just saying that because you did the surgery. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Then, my gyno looked me straight in the eyes. Time stood still and romantic music started to play (I’m lying about those two things but she did make pretty decent eye contact.) She said, “You can barely see your scar. It has healed so beautifully. Your scar is seriously the prettiest I have seen on any of my patients.”
I’M FINALLY GOOD AT SOMETHING!!!! HUZZAM! COMPLIMENT TAKEN! EAT SHIT MEAN GIRLS FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL!
So guys, I may not have remarkable legs, a taut stomach, or a nice-looking face – BUT I DO HAVE A C-SECTION SCAR THAT HEALED PRETTY NICELY.
And that’s enough… for now.